Nerves

I'm feeling a bit down today.

There is no prospect of any income coming in soon, and it's nearly the end of the month. I hate living like this; each month-end is a battle of nerves. And yet I know how much more fortunate I am than so many others. Which is precisely why I feel compelled to chase my dream, because to do anything less, I feel, would be an insult to those in this world who do not have (the opportunities that I do). Yet, on days like these, I feel I am only a moment away from joining the destitute. I almost convince myself of the need to look for a regular 8-5 job and all the security it appears to promise. And then I hear about the 'massive retrenchments' that major corporations both globally and locally will need to make to survive. And for a moment, I feel hope again in the choices that I've made. But hope doesn't pay the bills. (Ask several thousand Americans?)

I am also nervous about the shoot this weekend. I have always suffered from a slight case of performance anxiety. Call it the perfectionist in me. Or idealist, or dreamer or whatever. Before an event I'll run through, in my mind, the results I'd like to achieve by the end of it. And what the actual results are and what I imagined are always light-years apart. And then I feel a failure because I did not live up to my own high expectations of myself, even if I knew before the time that I am not capable of achieving the results I want to.

This is slightly different. I feel that I don't have the level of experience shooting fashion to get the results that Beatrice and Henriette will want. It's not that I think I'm a poor photographer, but I know that 'fashion' photography can be the most demanding and usually requires pretty big budgets and really fancy equipment. I'm going in with a severe handicap regarding my equipment and have a budget of zero. And that stresses me a bit right now.

I won't pursue my negative rant, but think it is important to document moments of doubt.

I thought I'd add a photo to today's post, considering that this blog is supposed to be about photography. This is a shot I took in December at a local coffee shop. I'd asked permission to do a shoot there a few times, and was repeatedly told that it needed to go before the committee for a decision. I never got a response from the committee about their decision. So, while photographing Chris and Kerstin around town during the holidays, I suggested a cup of coffee. The coffee shop was full of people and we luckily managed to get a table near the location I wanted to shoot. And so, in full view of a packed out coffee house, Chris, Kerstin and I had an informal photo shoot. I have to laud my young models for their willingness to be fearless on the day...

Model: Kerstin, Natrual Light